[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer