Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

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Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.


There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.


Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?

Good times!


Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.


“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”


Symptoms of mental illness:
-Hearing voices
-Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts


*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”

*Starts making car alarm sounds*


If you guys don’t hear from me for the next 72hrs, no worries, I’ll just be stirring risotto