Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
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There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.
Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Symptoms of mental illness:
-Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts
*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”
*Starts making car alarm sounds*
If you guys don’t hear from me for the next 72hrs, no worries, I’ll just be stirring risotto