@TwinSurvivalist

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

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@QueefTornado

Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.

@Tups13

There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.

@Underchilde

Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?

Good times!

@golubeerji

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

@TomItUp

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

@NicestHippo

Symptoms of mental illness:
-Hearing voices
-Hallucinating
-Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts

@professorxavi

*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”

*Panics*
*Starts making car alarm sounds*

@justmiche74

If you guys don’t hear from me for the next 72hrs, no worries, I’ll just be stirring risotto