Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
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[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
*launders Kohls cash*
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.