Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
i made a craigslist ad !
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-