My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
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[pitching a tent]
INVESTOR: this really isn’t a new idea
*first astronaut lands on Mars*
NASA: How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful
ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: I will not be awkward today.
Me: good, thanks
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer