here’s your or-
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
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John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?