@TheIronSherk

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

You Might Also Like

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

@SuperJuanderer

When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.

@Jake_Vig

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

@Jfficial

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

@proEXgirlfriend

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

@FinallyHeSleeps

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

@envydatropic

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

@Mom_Overboard

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

@robfee

While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?