Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
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Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Fiction has to make sense.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
😅😅😅
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
much to think about
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor