that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
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I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.