@UkeOfEarl1

[Working in a hospital]
ME: Well, this guy’s autopsy is done
NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy
ME: Uh oh

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@iscoff

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

@SteveSuckington

“Expose yourself to Art” they said

“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say

@Parkerlawyer

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

@treadmilld

Me: Babe will you love me when I’m old & fat.

Wife: I sure do.

@mrjohndarby

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

@Gupton68

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

@dumbbeezie

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

@RandiLawson

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.