We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[Working in a hospital]
ME: Well, this guy’s autopsy is done
NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy
ME: Uh oh
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“Expose yourself to Art” they said
“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Me: Babe will you love me when I’m old & fat.
Wife: I sure do.
I haven’t been the same since my mom gave birth to me.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.