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@UkeOfEarl1: [Working in a hospital]
ME: Well, this guy's autopsy is done
NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy
ME: Uh oh
@BunAndLeggings: 1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
Me:Oh my God....
Me: she's.... a prophet!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
Me: cheez-its??... cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
@danwlin: 12:00am - Government shuts down
12:01am - Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again
12:02am - All student loan balances go to zero
12:03am - It is now legal to marry marijuana
12:04am - Tide Pods become sentient