[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
You Might Also Like
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”