[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.