[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?


[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

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I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.


MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy


“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.


Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it


(At Target buying tampons)

10 yr old son: Oh, YOU get something for yourself but I don’t get anything!


A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁


[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–