I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
huge if true: the moon
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
(At Target buying tampons)
10 yr old son: Oh, YOU get something for yourself but I don’t get anything!
A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–