[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again