I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying