WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

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Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat


Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.


Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.


Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.


DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*


what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person


My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.