@dubiousrhetoric

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

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@weinerdog4life

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

@AcerbicSuburban

Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.

@Marcmywords2

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

@beefman138

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

@SirEviscerate

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

@fart

what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person

@WilliamAder

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.