“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.