WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.