My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said ” everyone here is alive because I got laid “.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
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Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*stands outside of karate dojo practicing karate for free through the window*
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
*Me, in class trying to covertly look at why my phone is blowing up*
My breaking news app: There are aliens on Venus
My friends: Dude. Aliens. Venus
Twitter: I’m gonna have sex w/ Venus Aliens
*Looking after class*
News: There may be a sign of life on Venus but probably not
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.