*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

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Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.


Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted


[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.


When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.


If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.


[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*


I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.


why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward


Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.


Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all