@AmishPornStar1

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

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@GodShammGod9

My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said ” everyone here is alive because I got laid “.

@aka_fatman

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

@chris_isloi

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

@DaddyJew

*stands outside of karate dojo practicing karate for free through the window*

@PhuckedCody

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

@momjeansplease

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

@ADHDeanASL

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

@GroovyTasia

*Me, in class trying to covertly look at why my phone is blowing up*

My breaking news app: There are aliens on Venus

My friends: Dude. Aliens. Venus

Twitter: I’m gonna have sex w/ Venus Aliens

*Looking after class*
News: There may be a sign of life on Venus but probably not

@causticbob

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.