@AmishPornStar1
@pizza_dragon Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
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@pizza_dragon 
@elspetheastman Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
@sofarrsogud [Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
@JonasPolsky When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.
@TFriss If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.
@Donnie_Fairburn [Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
@TheBoydP I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
@MrSpoonicorn why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
@chancetherapper Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
@Deltamel1 Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all
