*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
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I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.