@AmishPornStar1

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

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@pizza_dragon

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

@elspetheastman

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

@sofarrsogud

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

@JonasPolsky

When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.

@TFriss

If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

@TheBoydP

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

@MrSpoonicorn

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

@chancetherapper

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

@Deltamel1

Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all