@AmishPornStar1

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

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@cheers27402373

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

@abrosenthal

Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.

@edamamiiiii

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

@LostFelicia

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

@a_simpl_man

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

@hazelmotes1

My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.

@NEthingButWork

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@AliyanShaikh

Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.