*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

- @theshantilly

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went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes


Mario is a game where you save a girl from the terrible fate of hanging with a dude who owns a castle


one time this girl pulled me close & said “I’m the girl your mom warned you about” & I said “so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon”


Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.


[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*


Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.


Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.


Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.


[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt