@theshantilly

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

- @theshantilly

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@sarahclazarus

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

@NicestHippo

Mario is a game where you save a girl from the terrible fate of hanging with a dude who owns a castle

@EJGomez

one time this girl pulled me close & said “I’m the girl your mom warned you about” & I said “so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon”

@TheBeerGuy73

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

@JKNenagh

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

@Mardigroan

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

@coalslag

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

@duumb

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt