@CaniacMONK

*Works out on rowing machine

*Breaks rowing machine

*Doesn’t know own strength

*Buys Doritos to celebrate

*Can’t open bag

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@BamDebikins

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

@vinnycrack

Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away

@SICKOFWOLVES

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

@shatty48

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

@dave_cactus

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

@ClichedOut

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

@369ffs

me: I can’t sleep

her: count some sheep

me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit

@AlanHungover

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…

@FredPollack

I’m 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.