Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
*Works out on rowing machine
*Breaks rowing machine
*Doesn’t know own strength
*Buys Doritos to celebrate
*Can’t open bag
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Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the “banana phone”.
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic
“911 what’s your emergency?”
– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men
“We’re on our way”
– Gonna arrest them?
“Gonna shut off your internet”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn’t feel like it.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together