Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
*Works out on rowing machine
*Breaks rowing machine
*Doesn’t know own strength
*Buys Doritos to celebrate
*Can’t open bag
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Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
me: I can’t sleep
her: count some sheep
me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…
I’m 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.