@CaniacMONK

*Works out on rowing machine

*Breaks rowing machine

*Doesn’t know own strength

*Buys Doritos to celebrate

*Can’t open bag

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@Swain_Train47

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

@JennInTheCorner

Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the “banana phone”.

@SomthinBoutSara

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

@ndiquote

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

@horselythighs

Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic

@Sickayduh

“911 what’s your emergency?”

– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men

“We’re on our way”

– Gonna arrest them?

“Gonna shut off your internet”

@desusnice

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

@CelebrityChez

I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.

@EamonToPlease

My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn’t feel like it.

@T_Bonezzz_

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together