“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
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