You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
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Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.
DOG: OMG THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE
Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Parents w/ 1st Baby: “Aww he’s starting to walk! C’mon buddy, u can do it!”
Parents w/ Baby #4: “SHIT, HE’S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I’m hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump’s desk are completely different colours.