@mrjohndarby

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

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@someonesmomma

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

@Tmoney68

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

@Reverend_Scott

DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.

DOG: OMG THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE

@tsm560

Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.

@snowmedia

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

@fuzzlime

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

@dshack8

Parents w/ 1st Baby: “Aww he’s starting to walk! C’mon buddy, u can do it!”
Parents w/ Baby #4: “SHIT, HE’S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!”

@TheBoydP

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

@ceejoyner

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

@rickygervais

I’m hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump’s desk are completely different colours.