World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
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A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in