My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
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there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.