@Samzen_

World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.

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@cervixsmash

Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet

@tombrodude

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

@Tall_Yoda7

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

@krisv_723

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

@trojansauce

FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
ME:what’s that
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?

@KylePlantEmoji

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

@nyquills

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

@djdarrellripley

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

@notmythirdrodeo

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.