Worlds greatest photobomb
You Might Also Like
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Bros before Ohioes
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Friday night party time 🥳
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
i was baptized in a car wash
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
#Caturday
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened