@punmagnate

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

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@TheLevelArc

Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.

@Annekinns

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

@Marlebean

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

@BDGarp

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

@JasonLastname

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

@wolfpupy

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

@LizzieEMB

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

@Vodkantots

I never said that I hated you!

All I said is that I hope you have your period when the next Sharknado comes around.

@BoogTweets

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

@Leslie_Annie

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.