Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I never said that I hated you!
All I said is that I hope you have your period when the next Sharknado comes around.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.