Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

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I hate “two-faced” people.

It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.


Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?


[in bed]

Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.
Her: …


[on intercom]

Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear


The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.


I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work


Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered


My mom told me today that she is surprised I don’t have a cat.

I told her I was surprised she has a husband.


Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.