I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
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[aquaman origin story]
*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.