Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
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1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…