@d_duhwit

*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed.”
Doc:” Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now.”

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@david8hughes

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

@Co_Mill

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

@Fred_Delicious

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

@BlindChow

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

@NamestartswithZ

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

@jwoodham

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

@Shot_Of_Cabo

If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country