If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed.”
Doc:” Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now.”
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Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
whatever floats ur goat
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”
– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.