I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.