Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
How dramatic are you?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.