@ZachWeiner

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

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@idigcrazychics

You can’t boss me around until you’re older than the whiskey I drink.

-subtweet to my GF

@zachreinert03

My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn’t want to be cocky about breathing

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

@mommameetsworld

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

@SondraDeeMe

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

@Breadery

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

@therealdrix78

Whenever a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch just to show them what I am capable of.

@Willa_LT

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

@Midgetspar

On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.

@Miniwheats2012

My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.