Worst bar ever.
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I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.