Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
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I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period