Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
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DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I want what they have
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.