Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
