Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
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Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
even bears disappoint their mothers
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh