Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t