*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
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dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I feel seen.