Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
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me irl
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.