You Might Also Like
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.