@TheDairylandDon

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

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@LostFelicia

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

@Donna_McCoy

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

@Sassafrantz

As a mom, I know nothing good happens after you hear one of your kids yell “JOHN CENA!!”

@AimeeHelene1

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@celticrose2312

I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.

@mlevchin

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

@Xoolun

Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

@QwertyJones3

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second