Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

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My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.


I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.


As a mom, I know nothing good happens after you hear one of your kids yell “JOHN CENA!!”


*holds up gun*

Bank: You mean money?

Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank


ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.


I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.


Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.


Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.


[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second