Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.