Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
You Might Also Like
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.