Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
This could be us but you eatin’
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.