worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

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Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.



When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.


My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!


“Dave’s coming over.”
-Dave from work or Dave that doesn’t know how doors work?
[doorknob sorta jiggles for like 20 minutes]


Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.


People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?


[Job interview]

“What would you say is your greatest strength?”

“Sticking my fingers in people’s mouths.”



Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.


Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.


It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge