@pleatedjeans

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

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@NewDadNotes

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

@tchrquotes

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

@MrsRupertPupkin

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

@ibid78

“Dave’s coming over.”
-Dave from work or Dave that doesn’t know how doors work?
[doorknob sorta jiggles for like 20 minutes]

@MomofTeen

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

@xLiserx

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

@PencilWalrus

[Job interview]

“What would you say is your greatest strength?”

“Sticking my fingers in people’s mouths.”

“Arhghv-um-hirv-ok-hrbsj-hired”

@tanialunreal

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

@NamestartswithZ

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

@mrtimlong

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge