worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.