worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.