Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

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Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.


i don’t care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him


Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.


White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”


Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?


BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier


HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I’m talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything.

ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better?

HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.


Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.