@_SetTheHook_

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

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@MomOfTeen

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

@SheaSerrano

i don’t care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him

@living_marble

Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.

@BGH70

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

@Adyaces

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

@batkaren

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

@thenatewolf

HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I’m talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything.

ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better?

HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.