Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Put the is in disheveled
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust