Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
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the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
this isn’t threatening at all
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
How it started: How it’s going:
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
A huge thanks to the person that did this
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.