I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
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I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”