Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
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Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*