Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
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Good morning, Twitter x
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol