I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
There, happy now? You c**ts.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
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Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
The eighth habit of highly effective people.
God: oh shit
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
My 4-year-old: My underwear is trying to kill me.