I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
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Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
When the wrong number texts me
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…