Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

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I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem


Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise


“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”


You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.


Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty


Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.


Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..


My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone


Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…