Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
The Struggle
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”