Teeth are so weird. Imagine if all of our bones were exposed and we had to brush them.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
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The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack