worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

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Teeth are so weird. Imagine if all of our bones were exposed and we had to brush them.


I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.


Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this


My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”


hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”


Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.