@lopsidedmammal

Worth remembering.

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@david8hughes

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

@Piecezilla

The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.

@SirEviscerate

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

@ArfMeasures

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

@yenniwhite

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

@david8hughes

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

@JackieluvsUK

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

@murrman5

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”