Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
You Might Also Like
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]